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How to Do Intimacy | Here's a letter from 'Mary,' who's struggling with a man who's just told her he feels like they're 'friends':
Rori, I need some major advice. I have been seeing this guy for 4 months. We go out together, we go to eat, we talk everyday all day while he at work, but, now all the sudden he says he looks at as if I was, just a friend and not someone to be in a relationship with.
So what do I do after putting all this time and effort into him? He knows that I'm in love with him. Thank you, Mary
Dear Mary,
Mary, this is not over yet!
This is going to be the most intense learning experience with a man you've ever had, because now you have my Tools to practice with. Please look at this as your opportunity to change your love life- right here, right now.
I can hear your pain and frustration, and though I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation, I know from my own experience and the success of my clients that if you try the Tools you'll feel better.
First, Please promise yourself you will never again become exclusive with ANY man until he fully commits to you. That means you date other men up until he proposes. You don't sleep with anyone else, but you go on coffee dates, lunch dates, out for fun, etc. This will keep you sane and feeling balanced. It will keep your self-esteem up, because you will be able to practice RECEIVING attention and affection from other men.
You'll be able to Feel Good just by noticing men everywhere being interested in you. The moment you shut the 'Flirty' part of you down (let's call that part 'Flirty Girl'), your man can feel it. And when he feels that you've shut down that part of you that attracts other men to you, you shift the Energy Exchange between you in a way that pretty much PUSHES HIM AWAY. I know that sounds weird.
You'd think he'd be HAPPY that you're now all content with him and focused on him. You'd think he'd feel relaxed now, and able to trust you. But that's just not how it works. Trust comes from a deeper place that has to do with YOUR VULNERABILITY. It has absolutely nothing to do with you shutting your sexy, flirty self down out in the world.
So, this is good news!
If you've been thinking that he'll trust you more if you shut yourself down out there, you've been making a mistake that you can quickly change - and truly help yourself!
What actually happens is this: The moment he becomes your 'one and only,' without his asking you (and remember - this is important - he has to ask you NOT in a 'boyfriend' sort of way, but in a 'wedding ring' way), he feels pressured.
And as he feels pressured, all your insecurities and old patterns start to fight against your common sense. He almost instantly starts to move backward, away from you. And that kicks in your inner nasty voices and feelings of need and desperation, and so you automatically (if you're anything like I was and like most of us women are instinctively), you feel compelled to move toward him.
That looks like Leaning Forward when you're talking to him, paying way too much attention to how he feels and what he's doing, and trying to manage to see him and talk to him as much as possible. And he can FEEL all this. And it just sends him away.
It sends him to the Land of 'Just Friends.'
So what you do now is Backtrack. There are so many things to stop doing and to begin doing that will shift the Energy Exchange back to where it needs to be to reconnect with a man once he's made the 'friends' speech. You'll find it all in my book and Toolkit - but for now, start with bringing back 'Flirty Girl' and opening yourself to all the wonderful men there are out there.
Even if you don't feel ready to actually go out with them, just thinking about it, and taking baby steps toward allowing them to talk with you and connect with you, will help you tremendously. Your man will notice the difference in you.
This is the absolutely first step in what I call BRIDGING - which is my word for a new way of 'dating.' Bridging is how you cross the Bridge from an Imaginary Relationship to a Real Relationship. And the first and easiest way to Bridge is to keep all your options open all the time. That means continuing to allow other men to talk with you, get your phone number and email address, and SPEND FUN TIME with you.
The reason for keeping your options open and 'dating' other men is NOT to protect yourself, or make him jealous, or to find another man. The reason for 'dating' other men is for YOU. So you can practice my Tools as much as possible, on real men. So you can learn to have fun, start using Feeling Messages, practice my Sensual Meditation in PUBLIC, and feel more comfortable in your own skin in the presence of men.
This practicing with other men will raise your self-esteem and help you so much with the man you're now focused on. And most important - dating other men will take your focus OFF of this man and put it where it belongs - on yourself! The only way to see if this man can switch from friendship to romance is to emotionally walk away.
Tell him he's right about the 'friends' thing. Agree with him. Step away completely. That means no talking, no lunch, no dinner because you have to DATE OTHER MEN and you don't have so much time in your life for a male friend. This is absolutely true. Please get my book if you can, it will make all the difference in the world for you.
My guess is you'll hear from him quickly, He'll be chasing you down. He'll be upset that you're cutting him off. Just be calm and say that you re looking for romance and a real relationship, and being friends with him is making it hard for you to move on, and you'll contact him and be able to be friends later, when you're with a man who wants the kind of relationship you do.
Do it with a smile, very casually, no crying, no begging and see what happens. After you've practiced with other men, using my Feeling Messages and the Leanback and Focusing on Yourself and Loving Yourself Tools, you'll be ready to talk with him and see him.
I wish you luck! Love, Rori
***Here's a letter from 'Vanessa,' who's frustrated with a man who says he's 'not ready for a relationship':
Dear Rori,
I met the guy I am interested in about 4 1/2 months ago, and it has been extremely frustrating. I learned that he got a divorce about a year ago and two years ago he lost his older brother to drugs. He has qualities that I like, but emotionally he is not ready for a new relationship.
I just got out of a 9-year relationship myself and perhaps he is afraid I will go back to my ex-boyfriend. I feel he likes me, but it is hard to tell; and because I don't know what he is thinking most of the time I don't know how to act when I am around him.
I have been following your advice, I have been taking care of myself. I don't schedule my activities around him, I am trying to get to know myself again, I keep busy everyday: I workout, read, spend time with my friends, meditate; and when I least expect it he is calling me.
We have not seen each other for about 4 weeks. I don't want him to forget about me, but at the same time I refuse to keep calling him. He has told me that he likes me and I can call him anytime, but is not ready for a relationship. His ex-wife cheated on him, so has trust issues toward women. He has told me that he feels I am different and has shared personal information with me that no one else knows.
How do I keep him interested in me without me having to do all the work? Will he forget about me if I stop calling or seeing him? I was going to keep in touch with him, because I know what he has gone through and want him to know that I care about him. Do you think is a good idea for me to call him every once in a while? Oh and more thing, I told him that I like him and care about him, and that I don't expect anything from him since I know where he stands emotionally, but I think I freaked him out.
I immediately reacted and told him, that I felt I was rushing and that I needed to take things slowly as well. So, how can I keep him interested in me without me having to contact him, see him, call him? Help!!!! I really like this man.
Respectfully, 'Vanessa'
***Doesn't your heart fall just reading 'Vanessa's” letter?
You and I - and possibly Vanessa, too, know that this is an Imaginary Relationship. As much as Vanessa likes him, and as much as it seems he likes her, nothing is happening. And we know that it's the man's job to make things happen.
If we take his job away from him, step on his toes by calling and finding ways to see him - we cut off all his feelings for us. So I want to start by applauding Vanessa for doing so many things right: For taking care of herself and focusing on her own life (and you can see how well it works just by how he's calling her unexpectedly), and by NOT calling him.
I know how difficult it can be just to do and not do those things. If you'd like to know more about how to focus on your own life and express yourself in a way that a man can not only hear - but that will pull him in like a magnet, go here. Let's get now to some of the mistakes Vanessa is making - mistakes I made many times and perhaps you're making them right now, too.
Can you hear where Vanessa talks about HIS PAIN? Losing a sibling is a tragedy, and it's not that I want Vanessa to minimize the experience and grief her man must be feeling, even after 2 years. And his divorce may have been painful if it was due to his wife's cheating. And still, none of this has anything to do with his relationship with Vanessa.
This is all 'Making Excuses' for this man and why he isn't pursuing her the way he should. Do you see where she mentions that he's 'shared personal information with her that no one else knows'? And his 'trust issues'? This is one of the most common mistakes most of us women have made at least once.
We think that being a man's 'friend' through the hard times will cement the relationship and turn it to passion and love in the future. But that's not how it works. How many women do you know who put their husbands through college, only to get dumped the moment the men became successful? I know several. 'Friendship Only' is for friends.
If 'Friendship With Romantic Love' is what you want, don't get caught up in believing the way to 'Love' is by being his friend. Friends don't kiss, friends don't have sex, friends don't 'date,' friends don't feel that 'tingle in your heart' and friends don't see only each other.
Things happen in life, and sometimes friendship leads to love - but if you're counting on that, he'll feel it and you'll be disappointed. Picture this: If WE feel only like friends to a man like Vanessa's, and that's all we give to him, and at the same time we go about dating and romancing other men even while we're being friendly and supportive to this one man - THAT could create a sense of attraction and longing for us in him.
But the moment we turn toward him with love in our eyes and HE is the one talking about just 'being friends,' then being supportive and friendly to this man will not work! Here's the truth in Vanessa's case: A man who had a wife who cheated on him is ATTRACTED to women who cheat! I know this sounds awful, but it's true. He may not like the fact that he's attracted to women who he can't completely trust, and it might make him angry and heartbroken, but if you act like a true-blue, long-suffering GOOD WOMAN with a man like that, you'll lose him to a woman who LOOKS like she could cheat!
Frustrating, isn't it?
So, if being a Good Woman, a supportive friend, a good listener, and hearing about HIS problems (like Vanessa is doing) doesn't work - and in fact PUSHES HIM AWAY - what are you to do? Well, here are two ways to deal with this kind of situation:
1. You could see that this man is not a good bet for a healthy relationship, because you'd constantly have to be creating distance between you, for perhaps a long time, before he'd start missing you enough to feel seriously interested - and then, what about the rest of your lives together?
What if he's a man who always needs to be kept off-balance by a woman in order to love her? You might decide, based on this, that you're better off without him, move on and start dating up a storm. Or,
2. You could take the exact same attitude as in Option #1, yet still date him along with many other men. You could stand back, observe him, and let him prove to you he's worth your time. You would stop doing anything that looked like 'friendship.'
This would be things like meeting him, 'hanging out' with him, paying for yourself, listening to his sad stories and holding his hand, giving him advice...so many other things you would do for or with your girlfriends that have no place in a love relationship. Vanessa's started doing this by focusing more on herself and refusing to reach out to him by calling.
You can take it even further. The next step would be to completely reverse the energy between you and him. This would mean not only NOT CALLING him, but NOT THINKING about him, too! (More on how to do this in other eLetters and the Toolkit.)
This is where my FEELING MESSAGE Tools like 'The Goodnight Talk' will make a difference. Instead of only listening to him - YOU share YOUR feelings! It's very easy to be the Good Woman. To care about someone and recognize their pain. It's easy because it keeps us from having to be VULNERABLE ourselves. And what Vanessa needs to do - RIGHT NOW - is to be Vulnerable around him.
But not in BIG ways - not in telling him how she feels about HIM or the relationship - but how she feels about her OWN life. This means sharing her fun and happy and passion-filled times doing what she loves - this is the TELLING STORIES Tool. This means sharing how she's feeling in the present moment while they're talking on the phone - again - not about HIM, but about HERSELF.
Most men will be repelled by a woman sharing her pain about HIM, but will be filled with a desire to join in when we share about LITTLE things - how stopping at a flower shop and being all by yourself in the middle of greenery and roses felt, or how sad the rain made you feel, or how moved you were by a movie you just saw, or a little kid doing something silly or outrageous, or even maddening at the market. Sharing how you feel takes the spotlight off of the man. And that's what a REAL man wants.
Real men do not like the spotlight in a relationship. “Little Boy' men do. 'Little Boys' like their feelings considered first and always. They want to know what YOU can do for THEM, and have no interest in doing for you any more than they have to to keep you around.
Often, a man's 'Little Boy' 'issues' disappear when we start expressing our real selves. When we become even MORE vulnerable around him. If you're with a man, like Vanessa's, who talks about his own feelings a lot and always seems to want you to come to him, you can turn the Energy Exchange around by saying how YOU FEEL even more! You can stop coddling his feelings by asking him what he thinks, instead.
A real man doesn't want to be coddled. A real man wants to be a Prince or a King to your Princess. He doesn't want to be the frog you have to kiss to life - he wants to put the crown on YOUR head! So next time you're tempted to get 'sucked in' by all a man's stories around why he 'can't commit' or 'be in a relationship,' don't believe him.
He may or may not be lying on purpose, but he's for sure lying to himself. Vanessa must go all the way for herself - dating other men and truly focusing on herself and what feels good to her. And you can walk the Rori Raye Bridge to the relationship you want by NOT allowing ANY man to pull you off course. You can do this!
All it takes is to realize that you have choices and options, and that men everywhere want you. Even if you've never believed it before, believe and act like you are very expensive, highly prized, and possessed of inner strength and outer softness. A good, real man will recognize that right off and fight for you. It's true!
Let him.
Love, Rori
If you've already downloaded my Have The Relationship You Want e-book, work through it. If you'd like to get it now, Click Here.
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